Girl, sis, cousin, friend …. I am here to free you. I recently learned this vital piece of information and it has changed the game for me. It might be counterintuitive, in fact I know reading this will make you gasp, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
Here it is: You do not have to play with your kids or entertain them. It’s okay to put the Barbie doll down and walk away.
How did that feel? Scary? Strange? Wrong?… but yet freeing, right?? Let’s Chat.
Mom Guilt episode 27,632
My 4-year-old has always had a hard time connecting with other kids and making friends. Which is why we were so excited to find that she was making lots of friends and excelling in her new school. Well, all of that changed when the global pandemic shut down the world and canceled preschool. That caused my child to be home with us 24/7, with only sporadic visits with her cousins.
Because of this my daughter was constantly bored, asking to go places, visit and more importantly be played with. It’s really hard watching your child, who barely understands the world, struggle with these huge adjustments. I really do believe that she had some mild depression, which would make perfect sense because most of us felt that way at one point or another this year.
This made me feel like I needed to over compensate for the pandemic. I made it my duty to do everything I could to make her happy and keep her entertained. So I tried to follow a daily schedule that was modeled after her preschool schedule. After a week or two of that not working, I tried to buy them every backyard toy I could afford to make our home more exciting after the parks and playgrounds closed. We live in Arizona, so our yard is mostly concrete, rocksand sand. So I spent an obscene amount of money on artificial grass so they could play on their knees or barefoot comfortably, and without getting filthy. I also purchased a sand and water table, a see-saw, splash pad and cleaned off their little tikes slide. I moved the easel outside so they could draw and I purchased lots of bubbles and sidewalk chalk. This worked for a while, but then our Arizona summer started and being outside in the 115 degree heat was no longer an option.
Then I started guilt shopping, again. This time not for outdoor toys but for Barbies, baby doll accessories, doll furniture and anything else that might be loved by my kids and keep them busy for a while. I quickly learned that the life span of new toy excitement is about 25 minutes, tops. The only thing that would keep her happy was to be given constant attention. For a while I tried this but as you might already know, that’s just not sustainable for so many reasons. I have two children, I’m a wife and also a woman. There are so many duties that I need to fulfill around the home and in my life that playing barbies for 12 hours a day just isn’t possible. Even if it was, I am GROWN and playing Barbies stopped being fun for me 20 years ago.
That’s when the mom-guilt really hit me. On top of the very real and serious adult problems I was dealing with, now I was forced to listen to a 4-year-old cry when I got tired of playing with her. “But playing by myself won’t be fun mom!” are actual words she said to me. I felt like I was failing at literally everything, including being a mother. Until I stumbled upon some moms like me here on the wonderful world wide web. Turns out, it’s actually not our job as parents to make sure our kids are entertained or even happy.
It isn’t your job to make your children happy
I did some research on this subject and what I found actually made sense and made me feel a lot better. First of all, children are humans and in regard to their happiness, they should be treated like everyone else. You simply cannot make another person happy, happiness comes from within. So buying gifts, playing all day, and being their best friend might still not be enough. I have spent hours in my daughter’s room. Cleaning while they play, watching movies with them, and playing dolls. But the second I leave my 4-year-old is in tears. Her feeling of boredom is not on me to correct. I’ve mentioned before that cultivating independence in your toddlers is a big priority in our house and this is one of the reasons for that. Children need to learn how to be content with independent play. This form of play relieves pressure off of the parents being seen as a source of entertainment, as well as helps your child boost their creativity, imagination, focus, and allows them to learn and explore at their own pace. Independent play is very important for development.
Secondly, when you free yourself of this desire to keep your children entertained and happy at all times you free up time to take care of yourself and your adult responsibilities. Parents have a lot on their plates, especially now. We are working, cooking, cleaning, helping with virtual school, and keeping up with all of the mental tasks that no one talks about. Mental tasks like keeping track of doctor appointments, who is growing out of what, when bills are due, which groceries need to be restocked and on and on. This doesn’t even include the mental down time and self care that we all need on a daily basis, outside of actual sleep and rest. You simply don’t have the time to play all day and that’s normal. Stop feeling bad about it!
What we are doing instead of playing with our children all-day
With all of this being said, we still play and interact with our children of course! But now, we are setting boundaries and adjusting expectations for ourselves and our daughters.
Here are a few ways we accomplish this:
Set a timer: When playing with my daughter, I will let her know that I am setting a timer for X amount of minutes. I let her know when the timer goes off, playtime is over and I will be leaving her room. After that, she is free to keep playing or do another activity. This has been really helpful, as it lets her know that playtime with mommy has a start and end time, and she knows exactly what to expect when the timer goes off. It also encourages me to give her my undivided attention for those minutes. I don’t look at my phone or do any other activities while the play timer is running.
Play a game of your choice: This is a method my husband uses a lot. He will choose a kid-friendly game that he also enjoys playing to spend time with the girls. Sometimes this is a video game, Connect Four, a memory match game, or even Uno cards. With this strategy, us parents can remain engaged and the kids are happy to do something outside of their ordinary play activities. Just let your child know that when the game is over, so is play time.
Color or go for a walk instead: If you just cannot play Barbies or Tonka trucks, coloring, reading, or taking the kids outside for play are great alternatives. A walk outside or time spent playing at the water table keeps them busy and wears them out for bedtime. This is a good tip for those of us who don’t like to play, and/or aren’t good at it, but want to spend time with their kids without being miserable and checked out.
Realize what is your job and what isn’t your job as a parent
Doing all of these things and realizing that I do not have to play with my kids feels like a weight being lifted from my shoulders. My husband has always been privy to this fact, but it took me a few months to get the hang of it. The anguish and mom guilt I feel at the end of the day is greatly diminished. Now that I am using the timer, and playing with them in ways that I feel comfortable, I feel like I’m covering all of my responsibilities successfully and without being overstretched. Setting this boundary also makes me feel like a better parent. I allot time to play and time for work, and when I finally do come around to playing with them, I am more engaged and when it’s over I’m free of guilt. I hope this helps you on your journey! Remember, you can’t do all of the things! Be kind to yourself and let those kids figure out their own entertainment!
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