People are often shocked when they hear certain details about my marriage. I remember going to hang out all day with my best friend and her cousins not too long ago. It was a beautiful summer day and we had plans to eat, drink, and hang out by the pool. My husband stayed home with the kids while I had my fun. One of the girls we were hanging out with asked something like, “So your husband doesn’t care that you’re going to be gone all day?” and when I simply said no she was amazed. “That’s great. Not many of my married friends are like that”. This isn’t the first or only time I’ve had a version of this conversation either. Whenever I’ve traveled out of town on business or gone on vacation without him, I am regularly asked, “How does your husband feel about you being gone?” and my answer is always the same, “He’s fine with it.”
I used to be confused by this question. The thought of my husband being angry or causing a scene because I wanted to go have fun with friends and family or do things without him is foreign to me. The idea of him ‘letting’ me do anything doesn’t sit well with me at all, but this type of codependency is normalized in relationships and we need to end that. The fact that other women and even men expect my independent activities to be a source of grit in our marriage is problematic. Even though that dynamic is absent from my relationship, I understand why it is present in most.
Marriage: Then & Now
The reality is, many women like myself receive these comments and questions because this type of enmeshment in marriage has been normalized. The marriages of past generations, especially the 40s & 50s, have been idolized and romanticized by the society that raised us. The problem with romanticizing the past is that it isn’t an accurate depiction of what actually happened. In reality, the relationships of people in marriages have been historically toxic and laced with enmeshment and then codependency for a multitude of reasons. Men and especially women had to live in very strict gender roles and had minimal opportunities for individuality and independence outside their relationship/family unit.
As society evolves, so does marriage. Many of the unions we see today are diverse and very different from the marriages of the past but yet we are still holding on to some of those old ideas even though they no longer fit in our world. We have to stop measuring ourselves up to these flawed standards, abandon these ‘traditional’ practices, and adopt a new and better way of thinking for the sake of our relationships. Here are a few examples of toxic marriage narratives or practices and why they don’t belong in the marriages of today.
Toxic Marriage Narratives and How They Don’t Fit in Happy Marriages
You need to ask your husband/wife for permission or approval. This idea of approval applies to things like the clothes you wear, where you are allowed to go, who with, and for how long. Just because you are married does not mean your life is now restricted. Your partner is not your master or parent. There is nothing wrong with having a conversation with your husband/wife about these things out of respect and to coordinate your schedules, but you should never feel that your autonomy is absent. Married, in a relationship or single, you are an adult and perfectly capable of making your own decisions without fear of being punished by your partner. Remember, their job isn’t to control you.
Your Husband/wife should be your best friend. This type of codependency really irks my nerves. Don’t get me wrong, my relationship was built on friendship. My husband and I have a great platonic relationship in addition to our romantic relationship, but he doesn’t have to be my best friend in order for our marriage to work. We both have our own friendships outside of our marriage that don’t overlap. Even while in a committed, long-term relationship outside relationships are important. Friendships, even in adulthood, are of immense value to your life. Don’t throw them away just because you are coupled with someone. If your partner is against you having outside platonic relationships, that’s a big red flag!
All of your time should be spent with your husband/wife. Tamar Braxton referred to this as “the velcro” and that description is so accurate. Some couples are literally stuck to each other, at all times, like velcro! They bring their partner to every party, event, friend gathering, or any other time they leave the house. I honestly don’t know how this doesn’t get exhausting. Never undervalue alone time and being able to do things independently. It helps keep your relationship fresh because absence does make the heart grow fonder, while also helping you to maintain your sense of self-identity and independence. Don’t be that girl that brings her guy to the restaurant on girl’s night. Don’t be that guy who is hanging out on the couch while your wife has friends over 5 feet away. Give each other some space!!
Your happiness and identity are intertwined with the Relationship. This is a big sign of codependency and enmeshment. Your personal happiness and self-esteem should never be directly tied to your partner or the status of your relationship. When it is, a rough patch, break up or argument can send you into a deep depression. When your sense of value or self-worth is tied into whether or not you are with someone, or if your marriage is intact, you will put up with a lot of unnecessary toxic behavior and this could lead to a downfall in your physical and mental health. Make your own mental health and happiness a priority, always! Never be afraid to walk away from a toxic relationship, married or not.
Marriage Can Be What You Make It
I think identifying and abandoning these toxic marriage narratives and continuing to allow marriage to evolve will bode well for the future of marriage in our society. Many people my age, including my husband at one point, are hesitant to enter marriage because they fear losing their individuality and identity. The family structure of the past heavily relied on codependency and strict gender roles for survival. Women were dependent on their husbands for financial support and men were dependent on their wives for childcare and maintaining the home. In a world where women and men can earn money independently, cultivate their own self-interests, and make their own choices, abandoning that in exchange for a rigid marriage full of rules seems less like love and more like imprisonment and that is scary. In reality, your marriage can be whatever you make it. When you choose to do what is best for you and your partner vs what other couples have always done according to society, you are tailor-making your relationship to fit your real-life and increasing your chances of being in a long-lasting, happy relationship.
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