The Pick-Me and The Patriarchy

What is a Pick-Me

If you frequent social media you have probably stumbled across the term “pick-me” being used in memes, statuses, or in comments. As far as I can tell, this is a term coined by Millennials. I don’t see many references to this before 2012, but I’m sure the concept isn’t new. A “Pick-me” is a term used to describe a woman, but it can be applied to men as well, who will do anything to please a man. At this point, I’m sure some are saying, “Well, what’s wrong with pleasing my man? I love him.” The answer is nothing! Wanting to please the man you love does not make you a pick-me. It’s much more nuanced than that. 

A Pick-me’s whole goal is to be desired and validated by men. To them, being chosen or picked to be a wife is at the top of life’s achievements. In order to attain this title, they will do and say anything to seek the attention and approval of potential suitors. Oftentimes, their ideals line up directly with that of the patriarchy: the male-centered social system a lot of us have been trying to dismantle, as it doesn’t serve the interest of women or equality at all.  The sad part is, a lot of them don’t even realize that they are displaying pick-me behavior. They think their behavior is normal and the rest of us aren’t woman enough or good enough women because we don’t seek male approval. Disapproving of and bashing the actions of independent women, in full view of men, is probably their second method of self-validation and approval seeking. 

Types of Pick-Me 

This breakdown of the three main types of pick-me should help to further explain what I mean. 

1. The French Maid: This pick-me cooks & cleans as if her life depends on it. Her worth is directly tied to her ability to have her husband’s plate of food sitting in front of him at dinner time. In her opinion, a man isn’t required to do any cooking, cleaning, or laundry. Basically, she is the cook, cleaner, laundry service, nanny, and servant. He is only required to work, but she has to do that as well as pay her share of the bills many times. Some of the luckier french maid pick-me’s have a man who is able to provide for the family without her income, which allows her to stay home. She sees this as #goals, but it strips her of financial freedom completely and forces her to live off of an allowance or ask for money when she needs it. It sounds like prison to me but at least this completes her 1940s dream.  
2. The Blow-up Doll: This pick-me is always ready to please her man, whether he pleases her or not. She gives on-demand sex, thinking this will keep her man faithful. Her worth in the relationship is directly tied to her appearance, body parts, and ability to sexually satisfy her man. If a girl is cheated on, in her opinion, it isn’t the man’s fault at all. Either the woman wasn’t pleasing her man or he just made a mistake and y’all need to work it out (after every time!). She makes sure she is always dressed in a way that is approved by her man. How he likes her hair, nails, and clothes to be worn is what she does, and tells herself that she likes it too. Oftentimes she finds herself as the ‘kept woman’ of a married man. She sees herself as better than the hard-working wife because she keeps up her appearance and sexually pleases the man. She hopes her validation will be made complete by him leaving the wife and marrying her. 
3. The Housecat: The Housecat pick-me doesn’t go out with friends or on unapproved activities. Her man has either implicitly or explicitly stated that he doesn’t approve of her friends and family. Usually, they are called ‘bad influences’ or distractions. He might even just beg her to spend more time with him at home and that’s enough to get her to slowly turn away from her own life and dive fully into codependency. Sometimes it’s not even the partner, the Housecat herself might just think becoming a homebody makes her more attractive to men and more likely to be picked to become a wife or girlfriend. If you do get her to go out, when he calls she has to leave. If you complain she’ll likely say “that’s why you don’t have a man now!” Either way, she has been manipulated into being attached to this man and her home like velcro. She retreats to the room when her man’s friends come over to show respect and not draw attention to herself from the other men. If she’s allowed out, she’s to be seen and not heard. Basically, she is furniture. 

My brief stint as a pick-me

I think all women have had a stent as a pick-me, especially in those first few relationships. In our late teens and early twenties, I think a lot of us are searching for the love we see in movies and on TV. We have been indoctrinated to believe that being in a relationship gives our lives purpose and gives us value. Because of this we end up compromising ourselves in order to keep someone else happy. I know I did this. I was with a guy who said he didn’t know if we wanted kids and I started telling myself that I didn’t need to have kids either. All so that I could maintain a toxic relationship with a trash bag human being. Thank god I let that go! 

The Difference Between a Pick-Me and You

So far I have brought up a lot of aspects of relationships such as chores, roles in sexual relationships, and spending time with your partner. I’m not trying to demonize these things at all, as they are all normal parts of our daily lives and there is nothing inherently bad about them. If you enjoy cooking for your man and making his plate, by all means, continue to do that! The difference between this and pick-me behavior is that a pick-me will do this and then say, “A woman is wife material if she can cook for her husband. He shouldn’t have to make his own plate. A real woman will do that for him. That’s why you’re single now! You don’t know how to treat a man.”  Putting down another woman, equating her value to her ability to serve and doing this not because she wants to but because she sees it as a requirement to receive love from a man. 

If anything, I think this is bringing up a larger conversation on gender roles and reciprocity in relationships. Each relationship will work differently, as no two people are the same. So one person doing all of the household chores might work for one couple while it’s a deal-breaker for another. This is all fine, but there should be a feeling of reciprocity and mutual respect in the relationship. In my relationship, I do most of the cooking because I am better at it but this doesn’t absolve my husband of all culinary duties. He cooks for himself or the children if I don’t. If I choose not to cook, it doesn’t make me a bad wife or mother, it just makes me a human who is tired. At that point, it is time for my husband to step up. He respects me enough to not equate my worth to the number of meals I’m putting on the table a week. The sad thing is, not all men think this way. A lot of men still champion this old school, lopsided relationship structure that fuels the patriarchy. They want to maintain their status symbol of being praised by and waited on by women. The pick-me women sadly become a weapon that these men use against independent women, much like a conservative black republic (ahem Candice Owens) can be weaponized against other black people to further racists agendas. But that’s a topic for another day (possibly another blog). Anyway, these unfortunate men see the pick-me as the ideal woman because she is willing to be subservient and live quietly under his thumb for the rest of their lives, no matter what.

Accountability, or lack thereof, is another big issue with being a pick-me as well. If a relationship is failing, a pick-me will automatically blame the woman in the relationship. “Oh, He cheated? You should’ve been better in bed. You should’ve been more attractive. You should’ve been more attentive. You should’ve kept yourself up. At least he came home to you afterward.” Pick-me’s do not hold the men in their lives accountable for hurting them, doing the bare minimum, and disrespecting them. They accept whatever they are given just to be able to say that they are in a relationship, and require so little in most cases. 

Again, we are dismantling the patriarchy. There is no room for this type of behavior. We have to hold these grown men accountable for how they treat us and for how they move through life without blaming ourselves or other women. Don’t be scared that a man will never pick-you, be scared that you’ll pick a man that isn’t worth your time and doesn’t respect you! Self-esteem is key here. Being in a relationship is not a status symbol and shouldn’t be a goal for anyone. Finding love and companionship are important but being happy with yourself, having standards, and doing what makes you happy for the benefit of yourself are more important. The truth is, you can be a pick-me and go above and beyond for a man and still end up being cheated on, become a single mother, or hurt, so why participate in this self-deprecating behavior? How a man chooses to treat you has to do with his choices and how you allow yourself to be treated. So let’s stop doing the most for the bare minimum in return. Let’s stop blaming other women (victim blaming!) for the foul behavior of their partners and let’s stop sacrificing so much of our own happiness for the sake of marriage. 

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