Toddlers are so much more observant than I ever expected. Since about two years old, I have watched my daughter mimic almost everything I do. She would try on my false lashes at two, try on my heels, pretend to breastfeed her dolls, play in my makeup and imitate my walk. She has also tried to mimic how I dress and wear my hair.
For me, like a lot of black women, our hair is very special. It holds so much history and emotion. I am so happy that the natural hair movement of the early 2000s has prepared us to teach our babies how to love and embrace their natural curls. I wore my hair naturally until my 8th-grade graduation when my mom finally allowed me to get a perm. I had begged her for it for at least 6 months (probably longer). She did not want to give me a perm and explained the potential damage and costly upkeep to me over and over but, as a determined 14-year-old, none of that mattered to me! Everybody had a perm, including my mom, so I wanted one too! To me, that was what would make me beautiful and desirable to the other 14-year-olds (lol).
Kids notice differences between themselves and the people around them. At that age, I noticed that all of the women and girls on tv, in my classroom and even in my family, had straight, permed hair and so that’s what I aspired to have as well. I understand this logic so much because I went through it but I’m also seeing it the other way around with my daughter. I wear my hair curly 97% of the time so seeing this is normal to her. Most of the women in my family now also wear their hair natural and curly for the majority of the time. From her perspective, this is the way our hair is supposed to look. It only took her until she was about 3 years old for her to begin requesting to wear her hair curly like mine. On the few occasions when I do get my hair straightened, she usually requests that I start wearing it curly again after a few days.
Because the world is different now and for black women, wearing our hair in its natural state is more normalized, I don’t think she will beg and plead for a perm the way I did but I’m sure she will still face issues with self-image. With her growing up in Arizona, and going to diverse schools, instead of comparing herself to other black girls with straight permed hair, I’m afraid she’ll compare herself to and covet the straight or wavy hair of girls of other races. After all, the European standard of beauty and forced assimilation is what led to the popularization of heat and chemical straightening processes in our community in the first place, so this is what I’m bracing myself for. I know that the only way I can hope to avoid this is to cultivate a strong love of her hair and self-image at an early age.
4 Methods I use to cultivate hair love in my toddler
Leading by example
Wearing my hair naturally and allowing her to wear her hair in twist outs/ curly styles to school and on special occasions is how I lead by example. I’ve mentioned this before but I believe that me having confidence and committing to maintaining healthy, beautiful hair encourages my daughters to want the same for herself. So far, so good. She loves her hair and shows it off all the time.
Representation Matters
Buying books, and showing her movies and Tv shows with people who look like her is really important to me. Most of her books feature brown, curly-haired girls. We even have a few that are specifically about loving afro-textured hair. She loves these books and it is my hope that they help instill a deep-rooted sense of confidence and self-love in her that lasts through puberty and into adulthood.
Positive verbal and non verbal reinforcement
I really try my best to speak positively about her hair, especially when she is in earshot. I refrain from using words like ‘nappy’ or ‘course’ when referring to her hair in favor of curly or coily. At 4 years old she probably doesn’t understand these words or their negative connotation, but I want to practice removing them from my lexicon now. When I’m combing her hair and hit a rough patch I’ll say “your hair is just a little tangly here” or “your curls are a little stuck together” when she asks why it hurts, instead of saying “Oh my god your hair is so nappy!”. Words have power so we have to use them carefully!
Keeping It Cute
My goal is to keep my styling techniques up to date so that as she gets older I can evolve with her. This is one of the reasons I love watching Youtubers with kids who style their hair naturally. Yolanda Renee, a Youtube Hair guru I mentioned in my last post is a great example. Seeing how their young girls are wearing their natural hair gives me styling tips for the future. Back when I was a preteen I hated the way my mom styled my hair. In my opinion, it was childish and I didn’t fit in with the other girls. This is not to blame my mom, back then wearing natural styles and Youtube channels dedicated to it wasn’t the norm like it is now. But because we have more tools and resources, we are able to do better for our girls. Hopefully, my styling of her hair will keep her satisfied enough to not want to chemically alter her hair as she grows.
No matter what, I know that my children will go out into the world and have experiences that shape them. As parents we just try to do our best and hope that the values and positivity we put into them will be enough to strengthen and guide them. My complex about having thick hair had little to nothing to do with how I was raised, my mother always poured love and positivity into my brothers and I, but society as a whole made me feel negatively about myself. So these conversations might, and probably will, still come up with my daughters but I’m doing my best to prepare for them. I just hope what I’m doing is enough!
I hope that this works, my experience. Never felt a way about my skin but I was self conscious about my hair texture.
