Real Mom Sh*t: Breastfeeding the Second Time around

Welcome to my new blog series called “Real Mom Sh*t” Because sometimes “poop” just doesn’t cover it.” I started this series because I  wanted to find a way to connect with my readers in a more frequent and personal way. I decided the best way would be to post a short, weekly check-in covering a broad range of topics, but more importantly, I want them to be real and relatable. Often bloggers, influencers and so-called internet personalities can present a very manicured version of themselves, but I wanted to connect with the real women out there, who are dealing with real sh*t. So, I hope you enjoy this series! I plan to talk about motherhood, my experiences as a young woman, wife, friend, daughter and everything in between. 

Thanks in advance for supporting!! 

Real Mom Sh*t:
Breastfeeding the Second Time around

My Yara will be one year old in just a few days. I can hardly believe it but it’s so true. She has been walking for months, eating solid food, playing independently and shaking up the household for some time now. With every new skill acquired and each passing day as we approach her birthday, one thing looms over my head; the end of our breastfeeding journey.

Breastfeeding has been a big part of my life as a mother since the birth of my first daughter, almost 4 years ago. Pharah and I nursed for 14 months before stopping. Back then I was a warrior. I nursed on demand, commuted to work in downtown Chicago and pumped 2-3 times a day, then brought the milk home to her in a cooler bag. I rarely bottle fed her when we were together, including when we were out in public. I even made all of the child’s baby food from scratch! (yeah, I was one of those over-achieving new moms lol) Even though breastfeeding wasn’t easy in the beginning, I stuck to it and crushed it.  With my first experience being so positive and empowering I was excited to breastfeed when I found out I was pregnant again. And I’ve stuck with it so far (here we are coming up on the 12-month mark of breastfeeding), but by the 6-month mark, I was over it.

At that time, I just could not see myself breastfeeding past the 1-year mark. I  don’t know what sparked this change. It could be that the novelty wore off or that my new life changes affected my feeling towards it. Honestly, it’s probably a little of both. I now work from home 40+ hours a week, with my youngest at home, my baby and I are together 24/7. So that working mom that commuted to work and was starved for her child’s warm smile after an 8hr shift is now a mom who wants to lock herself in the bathroom and not be touched by the end of the day. I also now have two children. The mom who used to sit happily for hours cluster feeding, rocking and photographing her sweet baby now has to divide her attention between an 11-month-old and a 3 year old. Sometimes, sitting down to nurse for 20 minutes feels like laying out for a tan in the middle of a hurricane.

via GIPHY

Not to mention, the demanding nature of breastfed babies combined with the demanding nature of a 3-year-old leaves me feeling emotionally and physically stretched to capacity. So yeah, about six months ago I decided that my journey would come to an end around the one year mark and now that that time has flown by I have mixed feelings…. Which I understand may come as a shock after I just spent an entire paragraph complaining about nursing lol

Part of me is excited to have my body back.
The thought of being able to drink alcohol, come and go freely without the lingering responsibility of being someone else’s food source and favorite comfort food is exciting. But part of me, the part that has made a semi-firm decision to stop having children, knows that I will miss this part of my life when it’s over. Without turning this into an existential life crisis, I know that my baby-making years are ending and once that is over, it’s over. The end of this part of our relationship could also be the end of this part of my life and it deserves a little reverence.

I know I’m guilty of portraying my breastfeeding duty as a burden to friends and family on more than one occasion and at times, it honestly has felt like that. But I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t one of the most special and powerful things I’ve ever done. I’ll miss the satisfaction I feel after nursing her to sleep, those milk drunk faces and holding her tiny hands while she falls asleep in my arms. Although I was a little sick of doing it, I’m so happy I stuck it out for a year. I’ll probably still feel guilty for not matching or surpassing my previous record of 14 months but I’ll have to remember that I still did an amazing thing and to stop mom shaming myself.

It truly is the end of an era!