My Life: Married with Children before 30

My 4 year wedding anniversary is quickly approaching! To celebrate and reflect on the past 4 years, I decided to make this month all about relationships. Last month, I asked my followers what type of blog posts they wanted to see me post and one of the suggestions was “What is it like to be a wife and mother before 30”. I’ve been asked this question before, but now that I am less than a month away from my 30th birthday, it seemed like the right time to attempt to answer it.

If you think about it, it’s kinda funny that us moms under 30 are even asked this question. Holding these heavy titles and responsibilities in our 20s feels like a weird phenomena even though it was the norm just one generation before us. An old coworker of mine was shocked to find out my age and thought I was really young to have a family. Mind you, she was probably only 4-5 years older than me. For reference, I had my first child at 25 then got married a few weeks before my 26th birthday. My second child was born right after my 28th birthday.

Compared to my mom and aunts, this isn’t as abnormal as it may seem. Two of my aunts had their first child by 21. My mom was married at 22 and had 3 children by the time she was 28. I’m sure this is the same experience your mom and aunts had as well. But compared to my millennial peers, the way I live just might be a mystery. On average most Millennials become parents by or after reaching age 26 and get married by or after age 29. My friends are a mixed bag, some are married with no children, have children and are married, or have no children or spouse at all, but most of them have had these life events much later than my parent’s generation.

Motherhood is the Scariest Hood I’ve ever been in

So, what is it like to be a millennial wife and mom of multiple children before the age of 30? To quote Charles Dickens “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” because being a wife and mom of two at 29 is just as rewarding and joyful as it is stressful and exhausting. In your 20s you are already unsure about most things in life. Namely, what you are meant to do, where you will end up, and how you will afford to even breathe. Adding tiny humans that depend on you for everything and a partner that needs your help and companionship is very overwhelming. Most of the time I feel stretched thin physically, mentally, and emotionally, if I’m being honest. I’ve spoken on this before, but at times I step back and take an inventory of my life and it feels surreal that I have two people that call me mom, a man that calls me wife and I don’t even know what I’m doing for real! Boy did I fool them! The truth is that most of us moms, especially now that we are in the middle of a global pandemic, are in a dark place. What we are doing is hard at any age but doing it while on lockdown from a deadly virus pushes things dangerously close to the edge for so many reasons.

The words miserable, depressed, and suffocated are often used to describe how we are feeling. And yes, we know, “This stage won’t last forever, they grow up so fast” and “Children are a miracle! Many people wish they had what you have!” But that doesn’t change the fact that adulting while raising children feels like being thrown into a black bag and being beaten with a baseball bat on the daily. I understand that I may feel differently later, but my ‘now’ is pretty hectic.

Married as a Millennial

Having a committed partner to walk through this lovely hell is extremely helpful. My husband helps financially support our household while also running interference with the kids when he gets home from work. Even with the help, he brings to the table, being married also comes with its own special roller coaster ride. The thing is, being a parent is a big job: It takes up most of your day, week, month, and year, but your life as an individual runs parallel to that. Making time to acknowledge and deal with things outside of parenting takes effort. We have to muster the energy to put work into our romantic relationship, our relationships as partners supporting a household, and our individual wants and desires outside of those goals because that doesn’t just disappear after you’ve procreated. It’s a hell of a balancing act and at 29 things are going well but I am aware that it is only the beginning.

Living this way, you learn to be very flexible and give up on a lot of things like privacy, sleep, and a tiny bit of your sanity but there is a bright side to this life. I am in love with my husband (even though he gets on my nerves daily), and watching these children grow up is a special privilege. The love and pure devotion I have for them is unlike any emotion I’ve ever felt. It’s electric. But I just have to be real, every day is not instagramable. Every day is not easy, there are tears and breakdowns and my children have tantrums as well (lol). It’s hard yet rewarding but you don’t get the rewards until after the turmoil; sometimes years after! I know this because I am in regular communication with my veteran young mammas, my aunts, older relatives, and my mother. I know I can make it because they did it and usually with less than I have. No matter what, you have to be prepared to do the work!

Things to Remember as you Parent through your 20s

It isn’t all bad, all sacrifices and all struggle. You can for sure balance motherhood and a stable long term relationship in your 20s and 30s, but make sure you do the following:

Make time for friends: Friendships in adulthood are very valuable. You need to continue to nurture those relationships because they will provide a much-needed escape and support. It’s wonderful to be able to disappear with my best friend and not be a mom or wife for a while. With her, I’m just Brittany and Brittany deserves attention and happiness of her own.

Travel: Don’t think you have to put your life on hold just because you have kids and a spouse. You can travel with them, you can still go on friends trips and even travel alone. You just need to communicate with your partner and work out the details. I hate seeing people believe that children and husbands are the kiss of death to their fun. That’s far from the truth!

Maintain your romantic relationship: This is easier said than done, to be honest, but it is important work. When your children are small, going out, and doing the things you are used to will not be as easy to accomplish. This is when creativity and flexibility come in. The main thing to remember is that you have to make sure you and your partner are keeping each other as a priority. I know from my mentors that one day your children won’t need you as much and at that time, you’ll want to have a solid, happy relationship to fall back into.

Allow your spouse to parent and foster their independence as a parent: As moms, we tend to control and dictate everything that goes on with our kids. The daily schedule, how their clothes and toys are organized, how we make their food, etc. Dads do it their way, and it usually isn’t up to our standards but that doesn’t mean you should just take over! No! Let dad do things, even if it isn’t your way. It’s important bonding for him and the kids and it also allows you to have some downtime. Let that man do it his way!

Enjoy your children: Honestly, this is one I am currently struggling with the most. It’s hard to get enjoyment out of motherhood when you are tired from cooking, cleaning, and carrying the mental burden that comes along with running a household. With little alone time or quiet time, I can for sure say my patience and energy is always running on low, but we still have to find small moments to enjoy our kids. Even if it’s just 20 minutes of play, watching an episode of a tv show, or going on a walk. Somehow, someway, we have to be able to create positive memories and enjoy where we are, right now. Stop waiting to be happy!

Allow time for self-care and alone time: This is my ultimate way to avoid too much burnout. I put my kids to bed at 8:30 and I stay up a few hours to just read, scroll Tiktok, create content, or just watch mindless TV. My alone time is often interrupted, cut short, and occasionally non-existent but I keep trying. I suggest that you keep trying too, every day because your alone time and mental health is a major priority. After all, you cannot pour from an empty cup!