Millennials and Love on Social Media

Love Online 

Relationships and social media have always been a nuanced entanglement for millennials. 

Relationships are already complicated enough, but adding the internet definitely added a twist to things. Millennials were the first to be raised in what became this internet-centered world. The first social media platforms created were popularized when we were preteens and teenagers. It’s true that most of us shouldn’t have been on them at all but when do kids ever follow rules? But back to my point, our relationships have always been touched by social media. Myspace officially launched in 2003, when my peers and I were 13-14. This wasn’t the first social media platform but it was probably the first big one and we all had one. Since then, we have been able to make mass, public declarations about our relationship status and thus, the drama that sometimes comes with relationships seeped from the real world to online. 

When I say drama, I’m not just speaking about who is sneakily flirting with who, or who is crushing on who. I’m speaking on how we ‘act out’ being coupled with someone and the performative nature of online relationships. There are a few ways that we perform love in real life. PDA is a big one, then there are matching outfits, constantly referring to your partner as their title (husband/wifey/baby etc) instead of their actual name while in conversation. Online, these displays become curated and have a much higher reach and effect. 

As the generation of the internet and social media, sharing most (if not all) aspects of our lives online with our friends, family and the world feels like a natural way of expressing ourselves. Older generations don’t understand but this way of life has been ingrained in us. Relationships on social media are a part of that and the degree in which you share is up to you but the motives behind it can be skewed. Over the course of my adolescence and into my adulthood I’ve had many experiences with relationships online and my views have changed a lot. 

The Grass is Always Greener on Facebook 

It is a normal thing to see proposal and engagement posts, wedding pictures, anniversary posts, and random declarations of love online. The truth that many of us have come to realize is that these displays of affection can be genuine or they can be a performance; the latter is problematic. When I say performance, I mean our way of showing everything in a perfect light. I’d go out on a limb and say that this is probably 98.99% of what you see online. People tend to only show pictures and share stories of when they are happy and doing well because of the positive reinforcement they receive from it. Social media engagement is a reward system. The likes, and comments like “Relationship goals!” Or “My favorite couple!”, provide a dopamine hit and we constantly chase that high. This is what leads to people posting these positive moments even when things behind the scenes are not so great. 

Some people will do anything to keep up the illusion that they are happy, living well, and thriving. If you don’t know any better, you’ll begin to compare yourself to these online relationships not knowing that what you see is a carefully curated story 

I am guilty of measuring myself and my relationship up to these false images. At one point in my life, I would be disappointed if my husband didn’t make a long dramatic social media post, declaring his love for me on our anniversary. Seeing the posts from others and not receiving them myself would leave me feeling like something was missing in my relationship. But oh did I learn. My husband who has never been a PDA or ODA (online display of affection) person remained in character and didn’t post those things just because I asked. He maintained that what was actually important was our real life, not whatever words were said online. I hate to admit it, but he was so right. 

Life also did its part in reinforcing what my husband told me. Over the course of years following the same couples, you sometimes start to see those relationships posts disappear and now that person is single. Or, you’ll learn a piece of gossip that allows you to peer through the veil of social media and into their actual life to see that things aren’t so picture perfect. Then, I realized that I would much rather have my happy relationship and nonexistent social media presence vs picture-perfect online love and a not so happy home. Now I’m satisfied with only sharing small tidbits here and there about my actual relationship. You’d have to know me personally, closely study all of my social media posts and be clairvoyant to know the inner workings of my relationship and I like it that way. 

Does Social Media Kill Relationships?

Because issues like this often come up, some people are under the belief that social media is a relationship killer. If we are being honest, there are a lot of ways in which problems involving social media can arise in a relationship. Things like oversharing online, and infidelity are the main issues, amongst many, that I’m referring to. I’ve seen many people decide that once they enter a relationship, their social media accounts should be closed out or merged into a joint account that both have access to. I actually think that is weird but I digress. 

In my opinion, the people who feel this way are blaming social media for a problem that exists on the personal level. An app doesn’t encourage or force infidelity or conflict. Your partner didn’t cheat on you because Facebook made them do it, they did what they wanted to do. Maybe they used Facebook but there are millions of people who use Facebook daily and never cheat on anyone. Place the blame where it truly belongs. 

How to Navigate Social Media in a relationship 

With all of this being said, I dont think it’s bad to be on social media while in a relationship and I also don’t think it’s bad to post about your relationship. We are living in a technological age, and for us millennials, it would be hard to expect that we don’t live out our lives online. It’s what we have always done and will continue to do. As with everything, there needs to be some balance. We have been living this way since we started having relationships so many of us feel that constantly posting these curated, performative posts about our ‘perfect’ relationships is how we validate love for ourselves and our peers and that is where it begins to be toxic. 

Here are a few tips and things to remember when navigating social media and your relationship:

• It’s best to keep arguments and intimate details off of social media. It’s best to work out your problems by communicating with your partner without the input of people online and the added strain of being exposed online will bring to your relationship. 
• Don’t compare yourself and your relationship to what you see online. You never truly know what other people are going through, despite what they post online. It’s best to be grateful for your own life and focus on self-improvement.
• Don’t idolize any relationship, especially the online relationships of people you don’t know. If celebrity relationships have taught us anything, it’s that no matter how beautiful, talented or wealthy, everyone has problems. Whether you are aware of them or not!
• Remember that accountability belongs to a person, not on an app! 

And remember, it’s okay to take a break! If what you are seeing online is affecting your mood and your relationship, you can and should take a break for your mental health.

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