How to Foster Independence in Toddlers

My first child turned 4 this year and it was a big moment for us. For nearly 3 years she was the only child. My husband’s side of the family has lots of nieces and nephews, most of them are 5+ years older than her, so on his side, she was the baby. On my side of the family, she was the only grandchild/niece, and the first baby born in years amongst my cousins who were of age to procreate. I say all of this to illustrate that my child was born wanting for nothing! Not a single thing. We were all her handmaidens, butlers, chauffeurs, and servants. 

All of that changed when I became pregnant with my second daughter. I remember my sister-in-law telling me “You’re going to have to change some things because when the baby gets here, you won’t be able to carry on like this.” She was right. My daughter turned out to be a great big sister, very kind, and eager to care for her baby sister but she was still fiercely dependent on us for everything. This became even more complicated when I went back to work after maternity leave. 

I know that at 3 and 4 years old, there is only so much independence that is normal for children to have. I am by no means saying it’s time for her to be an adult, but it was time for us to teach her how to do certain things for herself and trust in her growth. I’ve spoken to a lot of mom friends about the temperament of their children and I was able to come to the conclusion that my child isn’t like most kids her age. Her temperament is less adventurous and she tends to lean more towards codependency. When comparing her to my now 20-month-old, she rarely ever tried to problem solve on her own. Instead of pushing a chair up to the counter to grab her cup of juice, she would go get an adult or cry until someone did it for her. Simple things that we know she is capable of managing, she simply would not try. Things like working the TV remote or crawling under the bed to get a toy were things she would always seek help in doing without even attempting to do it herself. This has always been her personality. To this day, she will try to convince my husband and I to dress her when she absolutely knows how to do it on her own. 

I want to illustrate the point that our very intentional journey of getting her to be more independent is not driven by our desire to be uninvolved in her life or to be left alone. We aren’t neglectful parents I promise! Don’t cancel me! We simply want to make sure our child has the tools she needs to be ready for kindergarten and to be a productive member of our household and society. But let’s be honest, her independence also helps us out a lot. We are able to get much-needed downtime so that we are not constantly tired, irritated, and burnt out parents.

How to Make Your Toddler More Independent

Make your toddler’s snacks accessible

All parents know that snacks are big for kids. To save me from walking back and forth to the kitchen to get my kids snacks all day, I created a snack shelf in my pantry and a drawer in my fridge just for them. I made sure that the snacks my 4-year-old is allowed to eat during the day were in a place she could reach without climbing and without the help of an adult. On this shelf, I placed individual bags of chips, puree fruit pouches, fruit cups, juice boxes, and goldfish snacks. In the fridge, I keep cutie oranges, more fruit cups, and juice boxes. If I find that they are overeating or eating their snacks too fast, I set out a portion on their snack shelf and I will put the rest up high and out of reach.  It took a little time to remind her that she can get these things on her own, open them, and enjoy them without having us get up to get them. This was super helpful when I was breastfeeding, changing diapers, or showering while my husband was off to work.

Take the time to help your toddler problem solve

This part of our journey was very intentional. When you are taking care of multiple kids, working from home, or trying to get housework done, when your kids ask for help a lot of the time we just automatically do it for them. Tiny humans are sweet and cute but most of the time, they complete tasks slowly, and inefficiently. Watching your kid fumble with the toothpaste cap while the house is in chaos around you is difficult. Our knee jerk reaction is to quickly do whatever task they need help with so we can move on but I learned the hard way that this just fuels certain children’s dependence on you. So we decided to slow down and take the time to teach her how to use the remote to change the Netflix show without having to call us every 30 minutes. We allowed her to try to get herself dressed and coached her through the difficult parts like pulling a shirt over her head and we taught her how to do simple chores like clean her room, making her bead, and putting away her dirty laundry. The main things I learned in this area is patience and verbally affirming her abilities to boost her confidence. I’m really happy we did this because getting ready to leave the house is a lot easier now that I Can hand her an outfit and do something else while she gets dressed.

Set boundaries and consistently enforce them

This has been our most recent and probably the most important part of our independence journey. Although for most of my life I have been required to wake up at 6 am or earlier, I have never identified with being a morning person. When school was canceled due to the pandemic, there was no longer a reason for any of us to be up that early anymore. Unfortunately, our bodies just kept that same schedule for months. This is fine, but as a parent who is used to their child being gone from 8 am-3 pm, being ‘on’ from 6 am to bedtime is overwhelming and exhausting. I was finding myself growing increasingly overwhelmed, irritable, sad, and honestly, losing it, so I made some changes.

Respecting Boundaries: Initially, my daughter would wake up between 6-7 am every morning, come into my room, wake me up, and ask for apple juice and for me to turn on her tv. Now, this has stopped altogether. I started by talking to my daughter before bed and letting her know that if my door is closed in the morning, it means that I am asleep and that she should wait until I am up before coming in. Every night I pour her and my youngest daughter a cup of juice and leave it in the fridge. I instruct her to get their juice, turn on their tv or play quietly until mommy or daddy wakes up. To my surprise, it worked! Honestly, I have ‘quiet time’ behind a closed door at least once a day and because I consistently enforce the ‘closed-door’ rule, my daughter patiently (most days) waits for my quiet time to be over.

Rudimentary Time telling: This also worked with nap time. Both of my daughters take naps daily. Some parents abandon this after a certain age but I am holding on for dear life! I need that 2-3 hours to catch up on adult shows, clean the house or take a nap myself. Sometimes my daughter will wake up before nap time is over and to stop this I taught her some basic time telling skills. She is familiar with how to tell the hour so I instruct her to stay in her room until 3pm. For the most part, this works but we have had instances where 2:45 gets mistaken as 3pm. I usually don’t flip over losing 15 minutes of mommy time, but you can avoid this by getting a toddler sleep training clock.  These clocks can be programmed to change colors or make sounds to let your toddler know when naptime or bedtime is over. I do not have one yet but my mom-friends swear by them. 

What level of independence do your kids have?

Each parenting style and household is different. I think it’s super important to acknowledge this and try not to pass down judgments on other parents. Some people don’t mind doing everything for their kids while others need to be able to sit in the other room and know that their kids are just fine by themselves. I don’t believe either way is wrong, as long as the children are being loved and cared for. Us parents are simply doing their best. Setting a 9am boundary or having a firm 8pm bedtime might make you a better, more energized parent.

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