Having a Life Outside of Your Kids

One of the ladies in a Facebook mom group I’m in shared the following post 

“Black women… Please have a life outside of your children! You deserve it!” 

Overwhelmingly the responses from the other moms were things like  “How??” and “not possible”. I’ll admit that I feel like this a lot in my life but seeing hundreds of other moms feeling the same way really made me think. Having a life outside of your kids seems like it would be an easy, commonplace thing but it just isn’t!

Why Black Moms Need Autonomy 

Before we get to the logistics of said ‘life’, let’s unpack this statement. The author of this post may have directed this towards black women because he is a black man himself and familiar with black women due to proximity. It could also be due to the fact that black women on average become single parents at a higher rate. The United States has the highest percentage of single parent households in the world. 80% of those households are headed by women and 65% of those women are black. There are many reasons for this, mass incarceration, high divorce rates and death to name a few. The point is, black women are disproportionately living as single mothers.

The rates of single  mothers is important to note because parenting is difficult, but parenting without help in the home is even more so. I have a hard time getting alone time and I have someone in the home to share the burden of parenting. 

So yes, all mothers, and maybe especially black mothers, need to be able to have a life outside of the wants, needs, and desires of their kids. If Tik Tok has taught me anything, it’s that mothers across race and culture lines share a lot of the same experiences. All of us make our kids the center of our daily lives. We bear the bulk of the emotional and mental burden of the household. We are constantly thinking: Who is growing out of what? What supplies do we need for the house? When was the last time the sheets were washed and the couches were vacuumed? What is our dinner menu for the week? Has the homework been completed? And on and on… Now we begin to have an understanding of the impossible task the request seems to present. How do I even begin to think about anything other than the needs of my kids and family when there is so much to do?

Why is it hard for moms to have a life outside of motherhood?

I think our issue is nuanced because even mothers who have a partner in the home feel that it’s simply impossible to have a life of their own. The societal pressure from the older generation that tells us to stop everything as soon as you find out you’re pregnant is part of the reason for this. This is what our grandmothers did so it shouldn’t be a surprise that this is the narrative they pressed upon many of us. Unfortunately, many of us feel mom guilt when we make decisions based solely on our wants and it prevents us from doing things that might make us happier. 

I’d also like to place some blame on a mother’s need to ‘microparent’. I might have just made that word up, but I’m referring to our tendency to be very hands-on, detail-oriented, and controlling about how things are done in the home. I know a lot of moms who simply refuse the help of their partner because “he doesn’t do things when/how I usually do them.” This causes so much stress and fatigue because we feel hopeless, overwhelmed, and then ultimately exhausted from overextending ourselves. This is also not good for those of us in relationships because we begin to resent the partner who we feel isn’t helping as much as they could

How to Have a life outside of your Kids 

So, what do I do to have a life? Well, I’m still working that out! My girls are 4 & 18months so I haven’t been a parent very long, but in the past 4 years I have figured a few things out. 

Plan ahead – Sometimes I have to plan outings, photoshoots, even eyebrow appointments a week or so in advance. Spontaneity just isn’t in my wheelhouse at this point and as someone who likes to plan, I’m okay with that. This simply requires knowing what you want to accomplish and setting the best time to do so. This is how I make my workout schedule, wax appointments, and friend dates. I need time to make sure hubby will be home to keep the kids, plan out when I will be able to get ready uninterrupted and how I will sneak out without the children noticing!

Let go of micro parenting – This has been one of the harder tasks. I am the oldest child of three and because of that, I am a natural-born leader. Some might call it bossy but hey, I am a boss so that’s fine too! Because of this, I am the queen of micro-parenting. Or at least I was until Hubby taught me some balance. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter how things are done, at this point I don’t even care when they are done, as long as it gets done. Period. For the sake of your mental health, don’t sweat the small stuff! And do not release your partner of any parental duties just because they refuse to do it your way. Let dad parent his way and go sit down!

Put myself first – My kids are obsessed with me, like, it’s kind of ridiculous. No matter how much time I spend with them all day, as soon as I decide I need quiet time in my room they fall apart. This used to break my heart and cause me to give in and provide the attention that they craved. I had to learn that there is no such thing as enough for them, but there is such a thing as being touched out and mommy-mode fatigue. So I had to teach myself and my kid’s boundaries. “Sometimes mommy needs quiet time alone. I will come check on you later!” *close door*! I usually find myself still checking in on them with the nanny cam but still! Alone time is alone time. 

It’s easy to be wrapped up in your children and your responsibilities as a mother. Growing up I watched my own mother, a divorcee, plunging herself into the single parent role 100%. When I grew up and became a mother, one of the things my mom always stressed was for me to cultivate my own interests and hobbies and dedicate time to myself. This is an important step in preparing for the inevitable: your children leaving the nest! 

It’s easier said than done and not something that just happens for most of us so we need to be intentional about having a life outside of our kids and our roles as wives/partners. I’m still working out my sense of self and independence but I know I will get better with it in time, especially as my kids get older and more independent, as long as I continue to work at it.