Getting Married WON’T Make You Happy

On some level, we all have one tangible thing or goal we have set that we think will finally bring us happiness. Sometimes it’s having the right job, being at the right weight, or having the right amount of money. Whatever the case, we strive for this thing because we believe it will validate us and make our lives complete. So we wait on that thing, strive towards it, and will it into existence with our actions, thoughts, and words. Marriage is often one of those things that people use to gauge happiness and success. Unfortunately, like most of the things I mentioned, getting married won’t make you happy or validate your existence. 

Why Do People Think Getting Married will Make them happy?

Societal Pressures of Marriage:

From a young age, we are told and shown what is considered normal and acceptable behavior in our world. Before I get started, this is not a post to bash our parents or grandparents, they are participants and victims of the same system I’m critiquing. Okay, back to my point. Capitalism plays a huge role in the pushing of marriage ideals on children and young adults. From age 2, many of us millennials were indoctrinated with the wonderful world of Disney. I love the TV shows and movies just like anybody else, and have even watched them with my own children because I have such a strong nostalgic connection to this content, but these movies perpetuate heteronormative gender roles and the ‘fairytale’ lifestyle that many of us strive for but will never achieve. These movies heavy-handedly drive home the ideals of romantic partners, marriage, gender roles, and finding identity within being coupled. 

Outside of the Disney machine, Hallmark, the diamond industry, the wedding industry and the pomp and circumstance that goes along with the production are more capitalistic creations that fuel the pressure to be married. Even more, examples exist in the media we consume later as adults. Shows like “Say yes to the dress” and reality TV wedding specials continue this cycle of us wanting to be married in order to participate in the traditions that fuel million-dollar industries. The travel industry is also getting its cut by offering honeymoon suites, romantic resorts, and destination weddings. In this way, the pressure of getting married is not only passed down by a mother or father that wants to see you ‘validated’ by a man making you ‘an honest woman’ or settling down, it is passed down to us by society at large. We learn to desire these things and want to participate in these ceremonies to continue the tradition and to avoid feeling that we missed out by not doing so. Mind you, I haven’t even mentioned the marriage pressures from organized religion. That might be a blog for another day. 

The pressure isn’t just from capitalism, religion, or our parents, it’s also from our peers and social media. Many people still think that marriage is the epitome of adult accomplishment. Many people will criticize you for being in a long-term relationship without being married, getting married after 30, or having children without being married. These are often heard criticisms but these things have no real bearing on success or happiness on the individual or collective level. It is possible to not want to be married and yet be happy with the person you’ve been dating for ten years. It is perfectly fine to not be married by 30 in today’s world. It’s perfectly understandable to not want to be married at all, whether you are single or in a relationship. The act of marriage is a choice and it isn’t for every couple or every person. 

People often feel that marriage will automatically bring them happiness and validation because we view the relationships of married people through rose-colored glasses. We often don’t know the truth about the ‘happy’ marriages we see around us. We assume that they have it all figured out and are working well together because they perform being married well but that isn’t always the case. Enter Jada and Will with their separation and entanglements. Enter Beyonce and Jay-Z with their infidelity and elevator fisticuffs. I’m sure you have examples in your life with actual couples you know, but these are great examples of couples we all assumed were happy and thriving, only to find out that things behind closed doors get complicated and messy. This is why I wrote a post about canceling #couplegoals. Our glorification of marriage and the firm ideals we hold about the relationships of married people hold us back from understanding the true nature of what these relationships are. Sadly, these ideals are still pushed by the people in our lives that hold marriage as a status symbol, even when things are crumbling behind closed doors.

We are told marriage is the ultimate goal and the key to romantic success. We assume married people are happy and thriving, even though we will never know the true ins and outs of their relationship. Thus, we expect to be happy ourselves once we get married and this frame of thinking is flawed. Expectations in marriage can be a big source of problems. 

Expectations in Marriage Can Be Disastrous 

Using marriage to validate your life or relationship can cause you to enter a marriage prematurely and under a false perception of what that major life decision will really entail. Sociology professor, Mary Laner, at Arizona State University Studied the marital expectations of unmarried college students compared to people who have been married for 10 years. She found that the significantly higher expectations held by the college student came straight out of the “happily ever after” fantasy. I will admit that I was just like those college students and I’m sure many of the people reading this were too. We expect so many things, which are often unspoken, from marriage and it can be detrimental to our relationship. We expect our partner to suddenly change into someone else, or that we can change them over time. We expect ourselves to be suddenly happy and completely satisfied with life now that we are wearing a ring. Or we expect certain people to finally treat you with respect now that you have the title society deems as worthy. In an online article The Myth of the Perfect Marriage, Laner says, “Such irrationality can lead us to conclude that when the ‘thrill is gone,’ or when the marriage partner doesn’t live up to our inflated ideals, divorce or abandonment of the marriage in other forms is the solution,”.

The Truth About Happiness 

Many of these expectations are based on a reality that no one has actually lived: The tv shows and movies that indoctrinate us, the picture-perfect images of couples we don’t truly know, and the ideas we have somehow made up aren’t real. All they do is contribute to the fantasy that perpetuates this cycle of lusting for marriage, being disappointed, and then dissolving the union. With the help of my husband and observing other relationships, I unlearned a lot of what was taught to me by Disney and the like. 

The truth is, happiness comes from inside. You need to be happy and content with yourself and the way your life is going on an individual level before you decide to be committed to someone else. Thinking that marriage alone will make you happy is very flawed and will have the opposite effect if you aren’t careful. I truly love being married and the life my husband and I have built for ourselves but I know that we have both felt pressured to be married and had false ideas of what this life would actually be like. We were able to get through that with communication and hard work, but as they say, marriage is an ongoing project. As a married person,  my goal is to show a realistic depiction of young marriage and to stop the cycle of marriage pressure that exists in the world. Marriage is working for me but my decision to be married doesn’t make my life more ‘right’ or better than anyone else’s. As long as you are happy, keep doing you! And if you aren’t happy, do what you need to do in order to change that.

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