If you know me, you know that I am 18 months postpartum with my second daughter. Both pregnancies were relatively easy and without complication, thank god! If I can toot my own horn for a second, I kind of showed childbirth who’s boss. With both kids, I pushed them out in record time. 15 minutes of pushing the first time, and barely 5 minutes the second time. My body is a beast! I was able to breastfeed the both of them for a combined 27 months! Each time, over shooting my goal of 12 months. I have been so blessed to bring life into this world twice, I’ve seen my body do some truly amazing things and yet, I just can’t give her a break.
Like most women, I tend to focus on my flaws instead of my triumphs. You would think that first paragraph is something that replays in my mind over and over, a true display of my actual self confidence and power but it isn’t. In reality, I look at my mommy kangaroo pouch, stretch marks, and deflated breasts and think “wow, you’re hideous! You used to be so cute!”
And yes, it is true. Before kids, when I was in my early 20s, I was the bomb! Didn’t even know it. What I’m learning is that although my weight has changed, certain body parts look different and I’m older, my value hasn’t changed.
It’s hard not to constantly equate our worth with our appearance. Especially when that narrative is constantly shown to us in the media we consume (social media, ads, TV, movies, and the news). The societal standard of beauty women are supposed to live up to is toxic as hell! How many times have you seen a newly postpartum celebrity brag about her ‘snapback’ days after giving birth? Remember Kate Middleton & Meghan Markle, standing upright in makeup, dresses and kitten heels hours after giving birth? The media would have you believe that this is the norm, this is what you should aspire too and this is how things should be but it isn’t. All it does is make you feel inadequate, unworthy, and defeated.
This is why I’m so happy we are dismantling the ‘snapback’ culture and embracing body positivity as a whole. My current headspace is a lot healthier than before. In the past, I spent a lot of time feeling self-conscious and sorry for myself as I gained back weight a year after giving birth. Most of this weight was due to my stopping breastfeeding my daughter. The rest is just due to getting older, with a new, slower metabolism and a sedentary lifestyle. I would avoid going shopping, which is one of my favorite activities because I felt I wouldn’t look good in any of the clothes that were on-trend. Crop tops, baby tees, and the E-girl look dominated the mall stores. To me, these clothes made me feel like I would just look frumpy, old, and fat. It wasn’t until I started looking at real women and saw that some of them didn’t have a picture-perfect body, yet they still wore the clothes I wouldn’t dare! This made me realize the problem isn’t with the clothes or my body, it was with me.
There is nothing wrong with being self-aware, which I was. I knew that my stomach poked out and wasn’t flattering in every outfit. I know that you should dress for your shape so that you can look and feel your best. Self-awareness isn’t bad, in fact, I believe it leads to body positivity, because it allows you to notice your flaws, but embrace them. If you are unhappy you can work on changing your appearance but for your own happiness and not to fit into what other people believe you should look like in order to be desirable.
There are a few things that I have done to change my negative self talk and embrace body positivity in my life.
- Unfollow some celebrities and replace them with real women! At one point in time a large percentage of my follows went to popular musical artists, actors and online influencers. Seeing the images of their perfect bodies and wealth everyday put emphasis on the contrast between our two worlds. It can get depressing. So I replaced them with real women, moms and celebs who share a similar body type as me. I will never look like Nicki Minaj, Chane Iman is much more relatable.
- Wear things outside of my comfort zone! 6 months ago I would have never confidently worn a crop top in public. But today I have a few crop tops and itty bitty bikinis. It took purchasing them and wearing them around the house, even getting done up and taking pictures in them for me to feel confident enough to do this in public.
- Working out! I have been on a health journey for the last few months. I have been doing intermittent fasting along with changes to my diet and exercising a few times a week. To my surprise and great satisfaction, I have seen some results! I don’t have a six pack or toned body, but my feelings towards my flaws are much more warm.
- Listen to the support you receive! I know that my friends and husband have told me countless times that I am beautiful and attractive. But if you don’t feel that way, those words can just roll off of your back. I have become very intentional about actually listening to the words they are saying and internalizing the positive, instead of immediately finding another flaw to point out in exchange for a compliment. Be kind to yourself and allow others to do the same!
As mothers, we go through hell to create life, and sometimes we are left with permanent scars and imperfections but that doesn’t mean you are ruined, less beautiful, unworthy, or used up. You earned your goddamn tiger stripes! Wear them proudly mama! This even applies to those of us who aren’t mothers. With age our weight fluctuates, things change but that’s okay! We can’t compare ourselves to others or even our younger selves. The girl that I was at 19 is not the woman that I am at 29 so it’s okay if I don’t look like her anymore. I strive to still remain positive and loving towards myself because I have learned, accomplished, and created so much since then! Unfortunately, confidence doesn’t come back overnight so read this again tomorrow if you need it.
