I’m a 1990’s baby, through and through. Most of my close friends were also born this year or 1-2 years after. Because of the beautiful nostalgia and shared experiences we had growing up, I think we all feel somewhat connected. I can’t describe it, but everyone in my generation (the millennials, especially the 90-93 babies) feels like my cousin or friend. We were all on the same journey up until a few years ago. By the time we collectively reached age 23-26, we split into two rough groups: those that were having kids & starting families and those who weren’t.
In my opinion, this is a big divide, and I know my mom’s generation understands how dramatically things change at this point in life. I’m pretty sure my mom warned me of this, if not through her words then for sure through her actions. While we were young, my mom rarely ever hung out with friends or did too many activities without us. There were no girl’s trips or friend brunch dates to speak of. She was simply raising her kids and trying to survive.
Although my situation is a tad bit different, I often find myself feeling the loneliness that I assume she felt during those years while raising 3 small kids. That loneliness is the part that as a society we really don’t talk about. I have previously written about what it’s like to be young & married with kids, but that post left some things out. Namely, how hard it can be emotionally & socially for young moms. Sure we have beautiful children and partners but feeling alone in a house full of people is a different kind of struggle.
Why is Motherhood so Lonely?
The thing about loneliness is that it can trick you into believing you are the only one feeling this way. But I’m here to tell you, that is a lie from the pit of hell! I recently ran a poll on my Instagram stories where I asked my followers a simple question, “Do you have a life outside of your mom/wife role”. 48% answered ‘Yes’, 52% answered ‘No’. Most of the moms who answered No to this question have multiple children under the age of 6. I also asked my followers, ‘Do you feel lonely in motherhood?’. There was an even number of responses that answered yes or no but the overwhelming majority answers ‘Sometimes’.
I will say that any human on this earth will feel lonely at any given moment in their life. So, these answers didn’t shock me, but they did speak to the specific form of loneliness that women feel as a result of motherhood. But why is motherhood so lonely?
You don’t get invited to things
Way before you drop that first kid, the invites to dinners and parties start to slow down as people try to be considerate of your delicate disposition. This also applies to those first few months after you have said baby. At that point, you are more concerned with finding time to sleep, shower, and eat than going out to a party but that doesn’t mean you don’t yearn for those things. I honestly (naively) thought that after 2 or so years things would go back to normal, but they haven’t. This especially applies to those moms who are the only mom in their friend group or have kids that are drastically younger than their friend’s kids. It’s a common, and hurtful, occurrence to be changing diapers or preparing chicken nuggets and see friends out enjoying a brunch you weren’t invited to.
You lose old friends
As we age, our lives change. With kids, full-time work, and relationships, most of your time is spoken for. A lot of things get left by the wayside as we try to juggle everything, and some friendships are the victim of that. It’s honestly really sad seeing a once-thriving friendship die out over time because of lack of time spent and knowing your choice to have a family played a role in that. It’s even more heartbreaking when people decide to push you out of life because you chose to have children.
My mom once told me in high school (probably the height of my social life), “If you end up with one good friend after all of this, you should count yourself lucky”. At the time, I had a handful of close friends and even more close acquaintances. I couldn’t imagine not seeing or talking to those people. But in the end, my mom was 100% correct (as usual).
It’s hard to plan things
Any idea of where you’d like to go or what you’d like to do is usually stopped in the early planning phase because your family’s needs come first. There have been many times that I wanted to plan a dinner date with my husband or go on vacation with a friend but didn’t due to lack of childcare. My situation is special, I live across the country and far away from most of my family, so finding a babysitter is damn near impossible at times. Going anywhere takes so much strategic planning, and work that in the small chance that I can get out, I’m exhausted before I arrive at my final destination. If you haven’t figured it out, spontaneity is usually out of the question.
Because of this, you usually end up doing things alone. One parent stays home so the other can do a quick shopping trip and sneak a quick Chik-fil-a meal in the driveway. These breaks are much needed and appreciated, but loneliness sets in quickly when you realize your only fun time is spent by yourself. This scenario isn’t even including the fact that oftentimes when you actually do have someone to watch your kids, you have to opt-out anyway due to upcoming family expenses.
You feel like the odd man out
If you’re the only mom friend in your group of friends, cousins, or siblings, it’s really easy to feel like the oddball. Most of the time I feel like I live on a completely different planet than my friends without kids. Our problems, how we spend our time, our availability, and our priorities are worlds away. Though we can connect on certain things, it’s hard to not feel the mountain of difference that separates us.
How to Cope with the Loneliness of Motherhood
The only way to not slip into the depths of depression in motherhood is to find adequate ways to cope. Here are a few of the tools I use to survive this lonely motherhood stage:
Practice gratitude
It’s so hard to be grateful every day, which is why it is something that needs to be practiced. This one might seem like borderline toxic positively but I promise you that is not my angle. Yes, motherhood can feel suffocating, lonely, and nerve-wracking at times. It is perfectly normal and healthy to acknowledge these feelings because they are very valid! But, wallowing in this space can be dangerous. During the COVID pandemic, for a few weeks, I listed out 3 things I was grateful for each morning. Some of them were motherhood-related but others were not. Taking inventory of my blessings helped me understand the balance of my life and create a feeling of positivity in my day. You should try it!
Become your own best friend
Because it is hard to get out of the house or make solid plans with others, you’ll need to get very comfortable with doing things alone. Solo shopping trips, meals, and other activities might not sound fun, but given the fact that most of us spend 90% of our time covered in kids, a little solitude isn’t so bad. Avoiding doing fun activities just because you don’t have anyone to do them with will cause you to possibly miss out on this time completely. Not having a break from your parental responsibilities leads to burnout, frustration, and possibly bad parenting. Get used to being your own best friend so you can enjoy life, even if you don’t have another person to do that with.
Find other mom friends
Having someone to vent to and spend time with that knows exactly what it feels like to be a mom is an invaluable relationship. Those women know what it’s like to struggle with loneliness, time management, and relationships too. They usually don’t get mad if they don’t hear from you for a while because we are all incredibly busy doing the same things. Mom friends also understand all of the not so pretty feelings you can sometimes feel towards your kids or life as a parent/partner. It is truly liberating to complain and vent without having to preface every sentence with “I truly love my kids/life BUT…” . Mom friends just get it.
(bonus if they have kids that are close in age, but moms with slightly older kids are clutch too)
Be patient & Think positively about the future
I constantly remind myself that where I am now is completely different than where I was 5 years ago. By that logic, 5 years into the future will more than likely be a whole new world. My kids won’t always require so much attention and care, soon they will be out at sleepovers, after-school activities, and eventually out in the world on their own. The first decade of parenting (at least) is so tedious and, honestly, monotonous that it’s easy to feel impatient and stuck. We often say “I can’t wait until my kids can walk… I can’t wait until they can dress themselves… I can’t wait until I don’t have to deal with car seats”. These are all valid things, we just want life to be a bit easier but trying to fast forward through life won’t help.
“Be happy where you’re at on the way to where you’re going” is a phrase I try to live by. Every day I feel frustrated, overextended, and exhausted, but I try to take a deep breath and appreciate the time I have with my babies. It’s easier said than done, but that redirection of energy helps, even if it’s only for a moment.
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